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Yes, I’m
working on my entry for the next movie on my list, Transformers (which is coming along much quicker than the High Fidelity one), but before that, there’s something I need to get off
my chest.
Hi, I’m
Kent, and I’m a mustard addict. I’ve
been in denial about this for a long time, but Jennifer finally helped me
realize that my addiction has reached a dangerous level. It’s reached the point that I’ve become a
danger not only to myself, but to others as well. “How can that be?” you may ask. It’s just mustard, right? A freakin’ condiment.
True,
mustard is just a condiment, and a tasty low-fat one at that. The jars, however, are another story. I’ll get to that in a second. But first, a little history. About a year ago, things had gotten out of
hand. Jennifer had always been gracious
enough (and enough of an enabler) to give me my own shelf on the door of the fridge
for my mustards. But slowly they started
to migrate into the fridge proper, taking up valuable real estate. Jennifer finally
laid down the commandment: “Yea, thou
shalt have mustard. But their number
shall be no more than ten.”
Ten? I could do that, I thought. But it was harder than I thought. At the time, I had sixteen, so that meant
getting rid of six. Ugh. I tried to convince Jennifer that yellow mustard
and Dijon mustard shouldn’t count because she used those on a regular basis,
and were therefore “ours,” rather than “mine.”
No go. So I went through all of
my mustards and pared them down to ten.
I did alright until I had to toss my Trader Joe’s Wasabi Mustard. That was a tough one. I had to have Jennifer actually toss it,
because I couldn’t bear to do it myself.
Everything
was fine until a couple of months ago. One
of the mustards in a glass jar fell off the shelf and it was only my lighting
fast reflexes that helped me catch it.
That was good, because it saved me from cleaning up a mustard mess and
grieving the loss of a friend. It also taught
me to make sure the glass ones are on the bottom row of the shelf. I thought I’d averted disaster.
I was
wrong. A few weeks ago, the Nathan’s
Deli Mustard was jostled loose and fell on Jennifer’s foot. Sure it was only a plastic bottle, but it was
a plastic bottle half-full of mustard. That’s
a pound and a half falling from five feet, landing square on Jennifer’s bare
foot. I felt bad. I tried to reorganize the shelf so it wouldn’t
happen again. Luckily, it hasn’t, but I
fear that one of these days, Jennifer is going to count these puppies and
realize that they’ve started breeding again.
I just
counted, and there are fourteen of them.
But we need them all, I swear. To
try and rationalize my addiction, I’ll list every mustard currently in our
fridge, along with why it’s a necessary condiment. I’ll even give you a picture.
French’s
Yellow Mustard – The classic. Every
single fridge in the United States needs a bottle of this inside somewhere. If you don’t have one in your fridge, go get
one and send me the bill…
Gulden’s Spicy Brown Mustard – Another classic. If there was a second mandatory mustard, this would be it. For many, it’s the only mustard that goes on a hot dog.
French’s
Dijon Mustard – For those fancy times when you need a subtler mustard, this
works like a charm. And don’t forget to
use it in your vinaigrette.
Inglehoffer
Stone Ground Mustard – If you want a mustard that’s, you know, MUSTARD, then a
stone ground gives you that full bodied mustard taste without the tanginess of
yellow mustard.
Beaver
Sweet Hot Mustard – I wish I had this one as a kid. It’s got a horseradish kick with some honey
thrown in, giving a great savory/sweet taste that’s addictive. I love it on almost everything, but my favorite
is on a cracker with some good cheddar cheese, from Wisconsin of course.
Nathan’s
Deli Style Mustard – If you’ve ever been to a Nathan’s hot dog stand, then you
know this mustard. It’s a brownish
mustard with an interesting flavor – turmeric!
If I had to give this one up, I would, but a New Yorker might just beat
the crap out of me just for thinking that. Sabrett's has a really tasty one, too.
Archer
Farms (Target brand) Lemon Dijon Mustard – Finding that perfect balance of
lemon/Dijon isn’t as easy as you’d think, so I let the pros at Target figure it
out for me.
Ty Ling
Hot Mustard – I am NOT having an egg roll or a fried wonton without some
Chinese hot mustard. And no, they don’t
give you enough when you get takeout. If
you need your sinuses cleared, this stuf’ll do the trick.
Grey
Poupon Harvest Coarse Ground Mustard – Okay, this one is probably redundant,
but I swear it tasted different than the Inglehoffer one. It’s like saying if you’ve got one Merlot,
you don’t need another one.
Terapin
Ridge Farms Brown Sugar Pecan Mustard – This one’s giving the Sweet Hot Mustard
a run for its money when it comes to the top spot on my list. The molasses in the brown sugar gives the
sweetness a fuller body and the pecans are a wonderful twist. If you can find it, I urge you to try this
one out. You won’t regret it.
Archer
Farms Brew Masters Mustard – Mustard and beer.
Could there be a more natural combination?
Slimme
& Nunne Maple Peppercorn Mustard – I love mustard, maple syrup and pepper. So put them all together and it’s a
winner. Then again, I love marshmallow,
enchiladas and barbecue ribs. Just
kidding. It’s an awesome mustard.
Terapin
Ridge Blueberry Honey Mustard – This one Jennifer actually picked out. It’s a specialty mustard, for sure, so it won’t
go well with a hot dog or burger. But
with a really rich cheese and a nice slice of a baguette, it’ll make you a fast
fan.
Bucky
Badger Honey Mustard Pretzel Dip – More sweet than hot, they’re not kidding
when they say it goes great with pretzels.
If you’re sitting on the couch, watching a football game with a jar of
this and a bag of pretzel sticks, I envy you.
I have to
say, though, it’s not all my fault. Jennifer
has to take some accountability for the mustard situation. When we went to her hometown of Madison,
Wisconsin, last summer, she said, “Sweetie, did you know that the National
Mustard Museum is just outside of Madison?”
No, I did not. It’s like telling
a drug addict, “Did you know there’s a Meth-R-Us twenty minutes out of where we’re
going?” And to top it all off, they let
you taste ANY of the over 500 mustards they have in the store. When we were there, we picked up the Brown
Sugar Pecan, the Maple Peppercorn, the Blueberry Honey and the Bucky Badger. So I had my ten before we went to
Madison. I was just helping support a
national treasure of a museum by getting those four. It was my civic duty and I was proud to do
it.
If you
want to see the mustards in their natural habitat, here you go…
Not twenty
minutes after I took this picture, the Nathan’s took a dive again – this time at
my feet. Luckily, it fell in front of my toes, with no
harm done. Also luckily, Jennifer didn’t
notice, or I’d be going through these guys right now, trying to figure out
which five have to go…
Uh
oh. It just fell again. This time, tumbling right in front of
Jennifer. Her feet were safe, but I
think I’m in trouble…
Aw,
crap. In preparing dinner this evening,
I was getting something from another shelf in the fridge when I spotted
it. Grey Poupon Dijon Mustard. You know, the “Pardon me…” kind. The normal Grey Poupon. Damn, that’s fifteen. What am I going to do? Which five do I cut, now?
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